But the smell is coming from inside of my own head.
I needed to do a lot more with this summer on the life-administration side. One day, after I get a real good night's sleep, I'll wake up refreshed and do some important things that I have to do. Bah. What a fucking waste of heartbeats. I am utterly fried.
Earlier in the summer, I dug up a bunch of old VHS tapes that I used to do a lot of recording on. On them include such classics as the network TV premier of Terminator 2, some Red Dwarf episodes, some Sifl and Olly episodes, a bunch of Rocko's Modern Life, about 20 minutes of fuzzy Cinemax porn, two episodes of Great Chefs which aired on Discovery Daytime (meant to record over an hour's worth of further fuzzy Cinemax porn), and nearly 3 hours of morning news casts, apparently recorded by my mom for some reason. These videos keep me company as I'm trying to sleep, trying to wake up, or am trying to shuffle back a few inches from the edge of boredom-bred insanity.
I think I want to surrender my girl-liking licence too. Having seen the beginning and the end a couple times now, I can't seem to find enough faith that my personal wavelength will ever coincide properly with someone else's. New college is coming soon and all, but even once I get there I don't plan on giving a shit. I'm really tired of how seemingly thin the line is that holds the feelings of a girl to a guy. I don't even want to go into the details of my opinion, but suffice it to say that to trust a girl is to trust the weather. There is just too much that has to line up for two people to really be into eachother.
Did I say a single word in this post? Did I wake up more than 6 times this entire summer? How many times have I actually breathed in? It has all become a big messy smear.
Wenn mein Mund nur weniger Worten zurückhaltet.
Posted by Alchemae at August 3, 2003 10:20 PMMy advice to you is to let your faith in girls plummet like a sandbag off a hot air balloon.
That isn't to say I agree with you.
You're faith (if thats the word to use) will come back, and if you let it go completely it'll feel all the better to get it back. I'd keep your mouth gehältet though, that kinda talk puts people off.
I found my wallet last night - The very day (the 12th day, i think) that I had given up on ever finding it. Funny how things work like that.
Just as now you curse the difficulties, the pendulum will swing and you'll wonder in amazement how it can be so easy...shit just works like that...strikes and gutters, westward the wagons, the whole human comedy unraveling and ... shucks...look at me, I'm rambling...
Posted by: the monster at August 3, 2003 10:37 PMI feel so damn needy it upsets me. The Tai of 3 months ago would have pimp slapped the Tai he is today, especially with this damn haircut that makes him look like a tool.
I wish I knew why I felt this way.
Posted by: deKaliber at August 4, 2003 11:25 AMWell i know there is some "emotional" or "intelectual" thing i could say right now... but really i mean im in the same damn situation... maybe heck probably worse off so what do i have to say? ... who the hell watches red dwarf?
Posted by: Outlaw at August 4, 2003 10:27 PMHello boy! I suggest if you are bored, you write your sister an email. I know, I know forced love and communication is no good, but if you really have no time, you can burn her CD's. She would love to hear from you, and why you have no faith in women. Albeit I agree, coming from a woman, you should never trust a woman. Cheers to that.
Posted by: yo sista at August 5, 2003 02:23 AMKeep in mind girl-liking and girl-loving are two different things... I suppose it matters what you're after; if "nothing" is your answer to that, then who cares. Otherwise, just keep in mind that that feeling of "I couldn't live without this person" that you get when you see it ending is usually not true -- you've been there, you've thought that and generally it's not true.
(Note that after writing this I realized it sounds like I'm talking to you, but I'm too lazy to rewrite it. Think of it as a monlogue directed at no one but myself -- oh cruel fate)
Posted by: fugimax at August 5, 2003 06:56 PM