September 09, 2006
A pressing issue
A very topical question was raised in the last entry's comments: Why do I want to go back to Germany?
In the absence of religious or political persecution, and without any pressing concerns about ethnic cleansing, famine, or fledgling authoritarianism, one might question why I would be so keen to ditch the country of my birth. Indeed, my difficulty in articulating just why I want to leave makes the whole deal seem like nothing but a poorly-planned ambition, doomed to the same fate as all those kids' dreams to become astronauts, kids who are now content to push paper and wear itchy twill suits to work. This is an attempt to finally clear the air, for you as well as for me.
My return from Germany forced me to confront for the first time a lack of structure. Up until now, I had the good fortune to be able to do all the things I set out to do. I decided to go to RIT for my undergraduate education, and was admitted. When I felt I had grown out of the black hole of mindless coding and dispassionate involvement in studies I no longer identified with, I decided to leave RIT for Lehigh in pursuit of a German degree. I was again admitted and completed the bachelor's degree in 2 years. Graduation presented the problem of what to do next, and so I applied to a scholarship program that would facilitate a year in the country that I had spent two years intensively studying. Fortune smiled, and I was again allowed to pursue my whims. The binding thread of these last 3 "epochs" is that they all let me assume that I would be situated someplace for a long time, following a relatively linear path, with generally everybody cheering me on.
But with the end of Germany came the end of this structured lifestyle. No curriculum to continue, no scholarship to give my hands something to do, and nobody to stand behind me with fists of cash to throw at my next inclination. I came back to a blank slate and more than $23,000 in student loans to repay.
But Germany, and the people I met there, taught me--perhaps just awakened in me--what my experiences at University could not, which is the great beauty in choosing one's own destiny. As tacky as that sounds. And for the first time, I saw a destiny that I could truly invest myself in. I fell in love with the country, and became thoroughly enthusiastic about the life I could live there. I know Germany as a place of mentalities with which I am not familiar, and find this constant barrage of social diversity to be really cool. It's not just Germans bickering about tax law or why all Americans love Bush. It's the presence of all European cultures in such close proximity to one another. It's some French girl in the nearby apartment who is self-conscious about how much she likes to talk about biology; or, it's some jerk from Basque Country who offers nothing but short-sighted incendiary anti-Americanism in conversations.
Above all, it's the thoroughly enriching status of being a cultural minority, something that an American, by definition, can't truly know in America.
Upon my return to the States, I was firmly set in my goal to go back to Germany as soon as possible. Remaining here for an extended period stood in such conflict with my ambitions that I could get defensive when criticized about my plan. "Why do you want to go back? It's going to be really hard to get back and support yourself under these conditions. Wait till you have the resources." Such questions fell on deaf ears. I knew what I wanted, and felt I should be able to achieve that. "Waiting till one has the resources," is the very thing that makes paper-pushers out of potential astronauts.
However, a great deal of thinking and constructive discussion has brought some new things to light. I want to live in Germany; that much is true. But I also want to live the life I envision for myself, which is not the life of a paper-pusher. I want to be an expert in my field, not a Sachbearbeiter. Rushing back to Germany to fill any position that comes down the pike would be folly.
And so my plan has evolved slightly, taking into consideration financial truths and the truth inked onto my CV. I am going to use my time in the US to generate resources. I will seek out positions that provide enough capital to set sums of money aside. As I work, I will go through the process of applying to German universities and seeking out scholarship opportunities to support my further studies. Once the "nest-egg" is big enough and I have the blessing of an institution over-seas, I will depart.
Only gross misfortune can keep me from fulfilling this ambition. It was harder than I thought it would be, but I like where this is heading. Now we just wait and see how fate decides to fuck with me.
October Sundown at the English Garden.
I'm glad you have an answer, both for me and for yourself. However, I didn't criticize.
After all, I have found myself in a similar position to yours, with little differences of course.
I read your reply again.
Other things that we have in common is our blood type, and our faithful bicycles that we said goodbye to, in Germany.
awesome.
i think a little part of me has been living vicariously through you, even though i only catch up on your life every few months. that part of me is ecstatic that you're going back to germany. i have that same energy and determination; however, i do not know my goal. one of these days, i'll find it. until then, i'll continue looking at your pictures and reading your stories. :)
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