Subterranean Beefworks

that was quick

I don't feel bent out of shape anymore. I was rejected, but whatever. If there is one thing to be learned when women make you extremely unhappy, it's that it doesn't matter a whole lot, because there are still good times to be had. Only, one just might not have an erection during the good times. She's a cool girl, if her faults now seem a little more apparent (too popular, difficulty keeping her attention, sarcastic in a way that's difficult to respond to). But she's cool. (and I really am not being sarcastic here). People say blood pressure and heart rate go down when they look at images of the Dalai Lama; she's a little like that.

I prostrated today, but in a very selfish way. Usually we sit together in astronomy, but today she skipped. On the way out, I picked up a lab packet for her and left it in her door. To first appearances, that seems really weak and subservient, but for me it was like a peace offering. I don't want to hate her, nor do I want to foster any kind of hard feelings that would be exacerbated by being uncomfortable around her. Instead, I'd rather let things just settle into the effortless serenity that I knew before I fell for her. Doing her a slight favor is a way of saying "I'm not going to be a bitch about this. Lets just move on."

Though, I have to admit, the manifestations of bitterness that come out after being totally shut down by a girl are really fun. Flipping her off when she turns her back, belittling her among my friends, vaguely fucking with her and coming across as not exactly friendly...all these things give me that little bit of satisfaction I need to glue together my shattered ego.

----

haha. it's totally fucked up when a girl you're talking about on a damned weblog stops by your room to say hello.

it's also totally fucked up when after she leaves, she says something which you think was intended for you, so you step out into the hall to see what she said, and she's talking to the most adonic guy in the building, sort of sauntering while he stands there like a big erect cock ready to burrow into something. fucks with the serenity.

Like I said though. I don't feel bent out of shape anymore. It's funny, I used to really really hate this girl. Last year, when I was bitterly embroiled in the semester-long bad joke called Brown & While 01 ("journalism" offically, "pissing up a rope" actually) was when I first saw her. She sat in the lecture hall, slumped down in her chair wearing some aggregation of her thrift-store wardrobe, probably thinking about how to be a better activist. She had this vacant, snotty look on her face that hasn't left me, listening barely as though she were some queen among serfs. I knew that she was one of those girls for whom every guy falls, who says hello to people about 15 times on a 2 minute walk between classes, who is so inaccessible to the common man that you want to set her belongings on fire to achieve some kind of justice. My inklings weren't too far off base, but as it turns out, she can make me smile too; the Dalai Lama effect.

I guess that's it then. As pitiful as it is, she's the second girl I've known in my life that I have approached, unprovoked, to tell her my feelings. Both times have failed, but considering I've had active hormones since maybe age 10 and I'm 22, that's not so much a bad record as there's just not enough data to draw conclusions.

I close with the recommendation of Catatonia. A pop band with a very addictive vocalist.

- -

I can't cry them anymore
I can't think of what they're for
Oh they ruin me every time
But I'll try
To leave behind some days
These tears just can't erase
I don’t need them anymore

How could this love
Ever turning
Never turn its eye on me
How could this love
Ever changing
Never change the way I feel

Lazy sun
Your eyes catch the light
With promises that might
Come true for awhile
Oh I'll ride
Farther than I should
Harder than I could
Just to meet you there

How could this love
Ever turning
Never turn its eye on me
How could this love
Ever changing
Never change the way I feel

Beck - Lonesome Tears.

helping a friend

So I have this friend, okay? And he really likes this girl. He's not me though. Heavens no. But I've talked with him a lot about this, and I just don't know what to say anymore.

He says it's not fear of rejection that keeps him from pushing for something serious with this girl, as much as I find that hard to believe. He explains that it's hard to risk everything there is now. There is stability now, and things aren't weird at all. There's no pretexts and everytime she stops by, he gets a joyful little thrill because of how she holds his glance before leaving. To approach her with how he feels could fuck all that up.

I try to explain to him that it's no much of a deal. She's an easy going, intelligent girl who seems above the obvious immaturity of cutting someone off because of an unreciprocated crush. I try to tell him that she's given a lot of great signs that she's not repulsed by him and that although they have tons of shit in common, they have tons of shit that isn't in common. Those are all ingredients for interesting time together.

He always comes back with the same thing though. "I'm waiting for an opportune time." He explains that he can't just drop it in her lap that he likes her. And understandably, he can't be planning his day around creating opportune moments. I feel bad for him because it's such slow going. It seems on the surface to be so plausible, so potentially great. But then at the same time, so hard to bring together.

Every week is the same cycle. A bunch of meaningless encounters, maybe something interesting on some odd wednesday. Then the weekend, which always seems like the best time--for him--to make a move. Then Sunday comes, everything quiets down and he's back to square one. I don't know what else to tell him. I guess it really does come down to a little outside luck and an opportunity that isn't missed.

He's got to realize that whatever happens with this, has to happen damn soon. With winter break and less than 2 semesters remaining, something has to happen soon. He knows this. He says every time that goes through his head, he gets this rush of motivation to do something. It just fizzles before there's a good chance.

He and I are both getting sick of talking about it. He knows he needs to do something soon, I have nothing more to tell him. Apparently she said she would 'be around later to talk about astronomy' but he went out to dinner and ended up playing pool until midnight. Now she's 'inaccessible.' He needs to grow a fucking spine.

Whatever. I'll keep you updated about my friend's progress.

::crickets::

Hmmm.

I kind of regret that last entry. Sorry about that.

I don't remember taking that picture of my hand.

Ough.

rarity

it's rare that i post when i'm this intoxicated. tonight was the gERMAN club party and holy shit. Oktoberfest. it was fantastic. it's sucha novelty to see people playing beirut with becks dark and lowenbräu. that's what you call real fucking drinkers.

it was really a good time. walking home, i could not help but realize how blessed i am to be where i am, around the poeple i know. it's so fucking worth it. all my friends, my major, my professors. everything is so powerfully awesome. everything is where it needs to be. i'll have stories for my children. i'm building a character. i'm figuring out who dan is. aND with all these people around me, it's all aweosme.

so yeah. tonight was great. my video card is still holding up.

my SHOES came today!!!!! and they fiT PERFECTLY. reeboks run small. i ordered a 9.5 before i realized that usually, i wear a 9. but man, they fit exactly perfectly exacrtly. two beautiful girls have said ' i LOVE your shoes.' that's the objec.

i climbed tonight too. it wasn't a good night. i did some cool shit, but nothing spectacular. i started to feel nausiated towards the end, so it wasn't as great as it should've b een. but a cluimb is a clumb.

word.

so i guess i'll wait out this drunkness until it's bed time. i already called off work, because i know i'm not waking up at 7:15 to ger ready. i told my boss perhaps at 2pm i'll be ready to do what i would've done at 8am. but man., there's just no way i'm waking up.

i'm listeing to Morrison Hotel now.

goodnight

I tried to open a bottle with the edge of a table and, although i was successful, fucked up my finger.

Check it

Jury-rigged.

The fan on my video card finally crapped out, so while I shop around for a replacement, here's the interim solution: A 80mm fan blowing full power on the vacant heat sink, suspended under the card by fishing line. Fishing line.

To my complete surprise, the heatsink is actually not hot at all. No way will I dare taxing the card until it is no longer cooled by a big orange joke, but at least the card should survive for a while.

Imagine swallowing magic

In this last debate, I was disheartened to see that President Bush seemed to have his shit together for once, and achieving convincing delivery of his points, even succeeded in making Kerry look rather impotent. I don't feel he really said anything of note, but he looked and acted like a president this time around. Finally. Gone were the pauses as the hamster in his head caught its breath; gone were the simian expressions and unevolved brutishness. And I for one am quite glad that he didn't try to win my heart by hunching forward and grunting, ostensibly to come across as a down-home friendly kinda fella. However, the sight of his unnatural physical rigidity did make it seem like his aids had affixed a scorpion to his scrotum before he went on stage.

Same old rhetoric though. Same old unnerving crusader bullshit. A president that uses western lingo to lay flat out that he is waging nothing more than a jihad on who he essentially considers a race of savages is not a president that will get my vote. There's a hell of a lot of particulars in this election, from health care to reforms of every sort. But the world is in shambles right now, and if my vote will help change the careening course of the world as it is now, then that is what is most important to me.

I had more to say. Oh yeah. The Kinks are a great band. I had a great climbing night tonight. I deliberately skipped out on work this morning because I had to go through a reading for a presentation in JapHistory. I also skipped out on astronomy because A) i knew there would be nothing that I couldn't pick up from the online notes B) i knew he would not take attendance C) i knew i was too tired to stay awake through the whole lecture D) i decided that i didn't want to be anywhere near the girl i used to have a big crush on, because 1) i didn't want to put on a happy face for her considering my roiling ire 2) I didn't have the clothes required to look hot, and 3) I didn't want to get even more pissed off when she would inevitably do that thing all uninterested popular girls do: start a conversation that they have no intention of being engaged in.

I think I'm just going to punch her with my dick. That'll show her.

Returning to the helm from which I just became unhelmed, let me explain. The whole girl thing isn't working out again, so I'm just going to stop the concerted effort. I don't care who I start conversations with now, or how they end, or what was said. No more theories or speculations, no more turning normal interaction into some kind of science or art. I'm a weird kid, and it's not that I have baggage, it's that I haven't let myself be myself. Somewhere I learned that "safe" and "common," coming across as unthreatening, at times even predictable, equates to "desirable." It's just not that way. There's only a few people in the world that really know me as the person I am, and regrettably, all the others have no idea. More than anything else, it's just a shame that hundreds of people are walking around thinking they have me figured out and filed under the proper category.

Man. These words are starkly more optomistic than they were in the aborted entry I was working on last night.

When things piss me off, I like to buy something new. Things I like include new music, posters, but above all, I'm a big fan of new shoes.

Check this shit out. God, I have such good taste, it's startling.


I definately bought the shit out of these shoes.

null

How about a little fucking luck for once? An couple of aligned stars, anything?

weender

Break turned out wonderfully. After weeks of ardure and a lot of slacking off, I feel properly refreshed and ready to battle towards Thanksgiving. My kindly friend drove me back to Scranton so I could get a bus from there to Rochester, NY--the place of my erstwhile education--to finally catch up with an old friend there. It really was fantastic. I got to enjoy that odd nostalgic feeling that makes me think about the timeline of my life. It's nice to feel that every so often.

Briefly being back on campus really landed it home that I really wouldn't mind finishing my Info Tech degree there, now that I've enjoyed a proper college experience. I won't mind so much that everybody there is, or might as well be, male. I wouldn't mind the odd smells left lingering by the anime club whereever they congregate. I don't even think I would mind the oppressive brick cocoon of the campus either. It's charming in a way, like possums are charming.

This is my first night back on campus. I spent the latter part of it helping my RA track down the "Gryphon Cup" which our building's staff won for, I guess humiliating themselves the most during RA training. Apparently, some rogue staff from another building stole the cup and it became the project of the evening to track it down. I loaned some savvy and by reading the headers of the ransom emails, we were able to track down a likely perp. Hopefully that did them some good.

So tomorrow it all begins again. Before break, my mind was occupied with trying to win the eye of a girl, to little avail. Now I feel refreshed and grounded enough to let that take its own course. When I wake up tomorrow, I plan on not being a lousy student. I plan on waking up with my alarm. I plan on taking shorter showers. I plan on climbing until I can see it in my pectorals.

I plan on enjoying life without being tethered to the stifling protocol of acting so as to get the attention of a girl.

At Work

I'm sitting in an office right now, getting this laptop updated. On the bookshelf across from me is a thick red volume entitled "The Synonym Finder." If that is the best they can come up with for another word for "thesaurus," I don't have a lot of faith that it's all that great of a resource.

hippy hat

Someone was once explaining to me that he doesn't give two shakes of a lambs tail what people think of him. I told him that doesn't make sense, that he was mixing idioms. He became agitated and cagey, making like he was suddenly much too busy to talk to me. I really felt like I came out on top that time.

the big Oh

I have developed this habit of vomiting on people, because every time I do it I think it's going to be hilarious. It never is though. I've worked out how to use the back of my tongue to stimulate my gag reflex, so essentially, I don't toss cookies anymore. I fire them. Problem is, while I think my brand of so-called "wet humor" is an absolute gas, no one else agrees. Not even the by-standers.